I turn 26 on Tuesday and I’ve been thinking a lot… which isn’t uncommon for me, I tend to spend every second of every day - sleeping or awake, thinking. I think of things I’ve done, places I’ve gone, relationships I have, and everything in between. I never tire of thinking, well, I never tire from thinking, I do get quite exhausted - mentally and physically of constantly thinking. I can’t help it though. my mind is a forever whirlwind of thoughts. you name it - I’ve thought it. but what does this have to do with turning 26? well, I’m getting older so...
let me begin by saying, what a blessing it is to be celebrating another year of life. life is fragile and in short, it is a blessing. I am thrilled to be celebrating another year and am excited for what is to come… while also being completely terrified.
there’s so many expectations in life… it starts from when you’re a baby. learning to sit up on your own, what age you should be walking, starting school, 18 you’ll graduate high school, go to college and graduate at 22… so many expectations and markers for when you are to meet said requirements. perhaps this is the cause for my bitterness in this birthday. my life never followed the expectations of the world and those around me. days kept passing, years went by and I just kept living… walking aimlessly through life, trying to find focus and a goal. a purpose and reason why. I don’t think I ever found what I was looking for. I’m not sure I ever will.
I’ve said it before and I’ll probably continue to say it - my life was full of setting goals, making lists and throwing it away when they inevitably fell through. things never seemed to work the way I planned for them to. my life had a mind of it’s own and it wasn’t going to listen to me. and now, here I am, turning 26 and married. I didn’t get a bachelor’s degree, I don’t have a picture perfect life, I’ve lost many friends - best friends - in the past couple years. it’s been a wild ride to say the least - full of ups and downs, sleepless nights, tear stained cheeks, and belly aches from laughing so hard.
people say your 20’s are rough, they’re ten years of formation. you’re figuring out who you are, where you stand in this world, what you’re supposed to do, who you’re supposed to be. you’re building your confidence, learning to let go of people and things that hold you back… I’ve been there. I am there. I am forming my identity, my personality, I’m creating who I am and who I want to be. I’m learning that you can’t please people so stop trying. I’m learning it’s okay to lose friends and family, to let go of toxic relationships, and it’s okay to stumble and fall. but more importantly, I’m learning to cherish and nourish the friends in my life that truly care, to get rid of to-do lists and just be present, to detach from a world of constant stimulation, and sit in silence. I’m learning it’s okay to fail, to try and try again, to change your goals, to quit and go a different path. I’m learning… it’s okay to be who I want to be even if other’s don’t agree.
no one can live my life, but me.
that’s been my motto lately. whenever I begin to feel the outside expectations influence my motives, I stop and think no one can live my life, but me. they say I need to graduate college - but I’d have to study and finance my way through - I don’t want to do that. they say get a career - but I’d have to make that happen. no matter what they say I must do, I’d have to be the one doing it. life is too short to waste it pleasing people that will never be pleased. so stop trying. it’s okay to live your own life. better, you have to live your own life because no one else can live it for you.
so - do what brings out the best in you. do what gives you the most genuine life. live fully, laugh loudly, and love deeply. this is your life - this is my life. when I’m 90 and sitting in my rocking chair, I’ll have even more time to think. and when I’m thinking I want to think of what my life was like, especially in my 20's. I’ll think of the friendships I had through the years, my first years of marriage, the family and friends I cultivated, the places I visited and explored, the mountains I climbed both physically and mentally. and, I want to smile. I want simple tears of joy to fall in admiration for the young woman who took control of her own life and followed her vocation. let God direct your steps… He cannot lead you astray.
trust in the lord with all they heart and lean not on they own prudence. in all thy ways think on him, and he will direct they steps. - proverbs 3:5-6
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