I'm a spontaneous person. I generally act then think of what I've done (usually left with a trail of regrets). Perhaps, I'm not actually spontaneous, I'm just impatient. I like things to happen and happen now. I hate waiting for anything. When people say they want things to be different, I expect them to act upon it. We've all heard: if you want something to happen, do something. Well, if you want things to be different in your life, then do something. I think we all want things better in our life. We want to be more fit, stronger, better job, mental health, and so on. Maybe you want to heal a broken relationship, or even build the ones you have. I was there. I kept in my mind the list of things I wanted better in my life. Those things I'd look down on myself for. I would get that rush of motivation, plan out my week to make my life better, then give up when the alarm went off Monday morning, well, not every time, but it was often. I would quit and give up, always giving myself a reason as to why. I'd fall right back in to my same old same with no changes at all.
We want things to be better but we don't want to work for them. We expect things to be better, on their own. Like, when you have a cold, more often than not, we go through boxes of tissues and just wish for it to go away, saying time will heal it. Yes, the cold will heal and you'll be yourself again, but the question is when. If you wait for the cold to leave on its own, it will but may be longer than necessary. Perhaps if you took some meds and went to sleep at a reasonable hour, it would heal in just a couple weeks and you would be back to your old self. Our mental and emotional health is no different. Those affect every aspect of our lives, our relationships with spouses, friends, parents, siblings, coworkers, and so on. They affect our academic and physical performances. When you're down in the dumps, you're not motivated to do anything. Curling up on the couch, eating junk food, and binging your favorite show is the only thing you have strength for.
But what causes these pits? What brings us to those low points, to fall into depression? I can't tell you exactly, it's not that simple, what I can tell you are factors that may influence depression. I say influence because as the dictionary defines it, influence: the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself. So, influence drives a lot of who we are and what we do, for better or worse. Influencers on Instagram are the fad right now. Everywhere you scroll, there's another person who calls themselves an influencer. Their purpose is to have an effect on you that you'll stop your scrolling to check out their profile, that's their job. They may share lifestyle tips, Amazon/Target products, recipes, financial advice, and the list could go on, it doesn't matter the specifics, just that they're there to make an impact on you, for better or worse.
I was that girl. I'd scroll through my social media feed and watch reels of people sharing their lives/job. I'd see their spotless homes, beautiful decor, their routines and I'd watch it. I'd click on names that I wanted to check out individually. I would get sucked into the rabbit hole, and would spend hours scrolling perfect depictions of what my life could be. So many people say, influencers themselves preach it too, that social media doesn't show everything. It doesn't show fights, messy rooms, people sitting around on their phones, or the reality of not having money to buy those gadgets. Even people who want to share the raw still miss so much, because let's face it, who wants to share their deepest sorrows with the world? Most of us don't even share those with our closest friends; we've all got secrets we want no one to know, and that's fine. There is no rule that says we must share everything on social media, but we also can't get bogged down into the details. I am just as guilty as the next, of adding filters to rid my face of any imperfections, and making sure only my best shots were shared on my Instagram. If I didn't look flawless, I wasn't going to share it. I knew this, and I knew everyone else was doing the same thing but that didn't stop me.
I was influenced, effected, impacted by social media (I can say, influencing does work), but it wasn't just influencers it was everyone. I was comparing myself to them, every part of myself and my life - my fashion, relationships, home decor, and you get the picture. I couldn't tell you when it began, because it probably began when I first created my account, but it seemed to have gotten worse. We can all agree that Instagram and Facebook today is not what it used to be. They were created to help people stay in touch with friends and family, but have, I do believe, made us less in touch with our friends and even ourselves. I couldn't tell you everyone I was friends with, because popularity, we all want to be popular. People followed me and I liked it because they were noticing me. Oh what damage. I felt it getting worse and worse, effecting my personal life far too deeply. And so, one day I did it. I logged into my Instagram and deleted my account forever. Not deactivate for a break, but deleted. I did the same with all my social media platforms. I had been thinking and rethinking about the idea for over a year, and I kept thinking how good it would be for me, but then I'd think oh, but look what I'd lose. Something kept holding me back and I couldn't pin point it. When I made the spontaneous decision to delete my social medias, I began to think about it and even felt a weird pit in my stomach, so I had to stop. Stop thinking about it and just do it.
It's been a while now, and I must say: I don't miss it. Sure, there are times when I pick up my phone to scroll through Instagram but then remember, I don't have that. So, my phone goes back on the counter and I pick up a book or an instrument to occupy my time, or I engage in conversation with the people around me. Write letters to an old friend, or FaceTime someone I haven't seen in a while. It's freeing. I mean it. I couldn't help but think I became a slave to my social media (that's why it was hard to delete it), but now, I'm a free woman. I can take pictures in the moment and not care if they're not perfect, because who ever looks back on their photos and think I wish that pimple wasn't there. We don't, we remember the memory and the people in it and we smile. And that's what pictures are all about... capturing memories in the memory. And without the influence of social media, I can capture those memories as they are and not have to change them to make them look good.
I wanted change. I wanted something better for myself, and my future self. And so, I had to do something different. Something altering. I am reminded of a familiar quote
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - unknown
- and that was me. I'd constantly write down how I was going to be better, while doing the same thing... scrolling through Instagram to pass the time and find motivation. It wasn't here and it never will be. Motivation is around you. It's in books and articles, friends and family, mentors, and life. It's not found on aesthetic feeds and filtered photos.
Now go, do something different. Maybe that's deleting your social media or maybe it's not, but don't be insane. If you want to come out of your depression, or rut, then make a change. A big change. A life altering change. A change that will benefit you for years to come.
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